I’m not really interested if you’re interested

This is my favorite building in Bratislava. I lived across the street from it for a few months when I was teaching in Slovakia. I think it is very brave to suppose that the world can be changed so radically that an upside down pyramid would belong. It certainly feels like it belongs in Bratislava. It’s an unpretentious city that happens to be just incredible in every nook and cranny. I always joke that I never meet a traveler who intended to end up in Bratislava. That’s a shame really, but I’m happy to enjoy it enough for the rest of us. What does Bratislava and the radio station have to do with the rest of this entry? Absolutely nothing! This is just a non-sequitur for those of you who bother reading captions. If you like reading captions, somehow I feel like you would like Bratislava very much as well.

I’m going on a trip with my wife and my mom and my step-dad. I’m very nervous about it, but I can’t really put my finger on why. It will be nice to be able to relax for a little while, but I’m not entirely sure that the trip will be relaxing. There are ways in which it feels very sad to hang out with my mom, I think because I’m not a part of her life in the way I used to be. She has a lot going on and it’s hard to get her attention if you are not in the same room, and even when I am in the same room, there are others who need that attention more than me. This is not a diss or a whine. I’m just acknowledging that I miss being close to my mom.

Today was a just right down the middle regular day. I had therapy and a psychiatrist appointment and then I got to play D&D with my buds. Things are very exciting right now in this game. There is no way I could talk about it to people not playing the game and not feel like a total idiot, so I won’t. But it is developing into a very exciting and fulfilling collaborative storytelling experience with some of my best friends.

I had a talk yesterday with a rabbi about applying for rabbinical school. It went really well; I feel like we were very much on the same wavelength. I just want to learn everything I can that would be useful to be helpful to people. I enjoy being helpful, and I enjoy chewing on profoundly esoteric ideas. I think this would make me a good candidate for rabbinical school.

I write these things hoping that eventually I will have an idea that is exciting to talk about. I guess that’s really how I communicate in general; I just speak until I interest myself and then I’m off to the races. Often times I don’t end up saying anything interesting to me, but it’s great when I do. I know I’m supposed to be concerned with whether what I’m saying is interesting to you as well, but I just really am not, unless you are really just explicitly bored and then I know that it’s time to stop talking about whatever subject. But that doesn’t mean that I needed you to be interested, if that makes any sense. I’m telling you things that are spinning in my brain because the greatest feeling in the world is to have something spinning in my brain, and maybe you could have something spinning in your brain too. But even if not, speaking it out loud lets me hear someone else talk about something that is interesting to me, which is a big plus. I know that I am not technically someone else, but it really feels sometimes that the part of me that speaks is a separate entity from the part of me that echos around behind my eyes. If there’s no one to tell me something interesting, speaking me is a decent substitute as far as I’m concerned. This is a train that is leaving the station with or without you, but it could be a fun ride if you give it a chance. I am aware this sounds incredibly self centered. Really though, how am I supposed to know what you find interesting? If you really listened to me, you would understand that these things I’m saying are quite incredible, not because I am incredible, but because the world is incredible and I’ve found a little piece of it to show you. That sentiment is a little tongue-in-cheek, but also I think there is truth to it.

I’m not very attached to my thoughts. I’m not sure that it’s proper to say they are my thoughts anyway. They are thoughts that I have gained access to, and I am holding on to them for the moment. They don’t come from me, but from somewhere else. My work is the work of filtering out the stupid thoughts and following up on the interesting ones.

These might all be stupid thoughts, but that’s the point of writing I guess; to transcribe whats in your head to see if it’s any good. I think this has probably mostly been unintelligible, but it’s not really important anyway. Like I said, I don’t need you to be interested.