Make Due, get by, be who you gotta

This is the oldest picture I have of myself where I’m not a literal child. Punk rock was a great thing to be a part of, because a lot of the things that made me bad at the regular world made me pretty good at being authentic within that subculture. I remember that people actually looked up to me, or at least respected me as a person that could figure things out and give good advice. I was elected the leader of a “gang” back then. It was not a gang. I wonder how much of what was going on around me I missed, if my memories of my teenage years would be backed up by the people I shared them with? I would never be 15 again for anything.

I’m not sure where today went. I’d have to look at my schedule to figure out what I did, or what day it is. It’s Thursday, so I had the architectural drawing class. It seems like something I should be good at, but I am decidedly not. Am I trying? Not really I guess. It could be fun to learn, but the context is pretty uninteresting and these online classes are not particularly inspiring.

I wrote up a plan for a new project I’m starting where I am going to stop buying new clothes and just get by with what I’ve got. It’s going to be called Make Due, and I’ll do it until I can’t anymore. I know this isn’t a revolutionary idea, but I’m hoping it will find itself along the way. Might as well document something with intention that I was planning on doing without any attention anyway.

Here’s what I wrote:

It is not a revelation that textile waste is a serious issue globally. Nor would anyone be particularly interested in the observation that people have lost the deep connection to our clothing that was once integral to human experience, in times before mass production where there is no way you would consider discarding a garment whole cloth.

Make Due is not a project to raise awareness or campaign for a change in human behavior, it is merely an effort for me to document the journey of my well loved and dependable clothes and the reciprocal nature of our relationship over time. This is a statement of monogamy with my wardrobe, we are in this together to the end, and no new cloth will come between us.

This project has an indeterminate end, it will continue until it can't, or until it has to change. But the intention is to document the evolution of this commitment to make due with what I've already brought into my life.

Could be fun. I’ve got to take an inventory of the clothes and textiles I’ve got so I can keep track of the shifting throughout time. Not as fun.

I’ve also been thinking about making a role playing game about truly hopeless situations and the beauty that can be found when nothing really matters. The subtext is that all of existence doesn’t really matter, at least not like we would like it to, so it could be good practice to inhabit the mind of someone who is aware and certain that everything is coming to an end, and has the time to think about it.

I’m getting the house ready for my wife to return tomorrow night. I very much do not have a focused mind for cleaning and organizing, but I do have ample time to undo a very small mess. I had dinner with my aunt and uncle this evening as well. We got to talking about another of my uncles, and how he seems to be effortlessly funny, but I pointed out that he actually has mastered a very complex use of his voice that makes everything he says feel really funny even if it’s not actually. He has figured out how in integrate that “comedian voice” into his normal talking, where he pauses and extends and quickens and rises and drops at all the right times to amplify a joke. I didn’t know that I had observed that until we started talking about him tonight, but it’s very interesting to consider how you can weight your words to get the result you want. I’ve never been very good at noticing my voice, but when I need to or want to I can put on a show as well. Talking to people is a performance that has to be executed perfectly, and the way you use your voice is part of that. I wonder if most people are aware that they are changing the entire structure of their voice to get what they need out of a situation, or do they just do it effortlessly and automatically. To not sound completely monotone, I have to inhabit a character intentionally. There is a degree of ease to it at times, but it is always something that takes energy and brainpower, which means that if I have to focus on how I’m talking to you, I’m not as focused on what I’m saying. I can speak my mind in my voice, but not in the ones that I have to use in the world. I’m not sure that makes any sense, but it’s what it’s gotten me through some doors that I-the-actual-me would not be invited through.

I hope that when Olivia comes home I can start to rest. I hope that I can find the energy I need to care for her in the way she needs. Right now I’m not sure I am even awake. But when someone needs to be cared for, I can usually make it happen regardless of what I have left inside of me. But it would be nice to rest.